I don't think I should be in relationships... I'm a serious disaster at it. Probably can write a thesis on how to go about screwing it up."
That's one single line I wrote when i'd started to write this blog a few months back.. It never got beyond that, because i could not put my feelings to paper.. The above line still holds true.. But then i'm more clearer about my feelings now. The only issue which remains is not being clear about the other person's feelings..
Yes I know he cares, cares a lot.. But sometimes I feel that maybe that's not enough.. But that's being unfair since I started the relationship with complete and total awareness of his feelings. He's always told me that falling in love is not going to happen to him.
But well a girl can dream :)
I know I want more but how much more I don't know.. Do i want marriage? Which everybody believes is the natural goal of a relationship. But I've done it once and now I don't know if I really want to go down that path. So then what does that mean? I'm happy with all the key aspects of the relationship so then why do I crib.. Is the conditioning of years so difficult to overcome? I know I want to see more of him and the inability to do do does cause issues. Which was not a major issue as long as I was in Delhi, but here outside of my comfort zone I feel the need to hold on to him like an anchor. The relationship, at times, seems like the only good thing going for me in this city. But then creating stress on it is not going to help my cause..
I shld learn to be patient, to enjoy the moment etc, etc,etc.. Oh how many times do I need to repeat this to myself? I keep doing it but somehow on this bit my brain tends to behave like its got one major leak in it and thus I forget to follow these rules at the key junctures when I need to do so..
If I keep this up I will definitely not have a relationship to worry about.. Aah well I can then write my thesis finally :)
Errors of being true
It's pretty galling when someone close to you lists all your faults. Even when they all are true. The tendency to block the stuff out and do nothing about trying to change any of these is a recurring aspect. Even when I do, it all turns out to be incomplete. I slip and fall into the same old behavioral patterns.
This time I'm going to seriously do something about the various things. Instead of trying to rectify all at the same time, I'm going to try and address them sequentially.
First and foremost amongst these is learning to be sensitive to other people's moods and not pushing on irrespective of their bad mood.
Next on the list is keeping a tight rein on my mouth. Don't say everything which is there on my mind. It's not like you have to...
The funny part is that I do all these and more only with people who really really matter. I'm very aware of the moods and sensitivities of other people that I'm surrounded by. I never say or do anything to hurt them. But these are not the people who matter. A lot of times I feel that you have to understand that I don't hold back and do a lot of things because that's the only space where I can be myself. Where i don't need to keep up a facade. When it all boils down to keeping up the facade at all times in all relationships and equations then it just doesn't seem worth it. If I have to pretend to even those people I'm close to then...
But I've realised that maybe it is important, important to play out a role.
But I've been playing these public roles for so long that now i forget what I'm actually like. I'm not the shy kid who spent all her time sitting in her room and reading. Who hardly hung out with other kids. But I changed, adapted and now there is this ME.. I don't actually like this person which I've become. And I have a feeling that unless I resolve this discord which has started becoming more and more of an issue, i will not be at peace with myself. And if I'm not at peace with myself then I don't have a hope in hell of succeeding at anything, personally or professionally.
As I'm writing this, I've come to the conclusion that I need a break, a break to figure out all these and more. A break to resolve all the pending issues. A break to figure out life ahead...
This time I'm going to seriously do something about the various things. Instead of trying to rectify all at the same time, I'm going to try and address them sequentially.
First and foremost amongst these is learning to be sensitive to other people's moods and not pushing on irrespective of their bad mood.
Next on the list is keeping a tight rein on my mouth. Don't say everything which is there on my mind. It's not like you have to...
The funny part is that I do all these and more only with people who really really matter. I'm very aware of the moods and sensitivities of other people that I'm surrounded by. I never say or do anything to hurt them. But these are not the people who matter. A lot of times I feel that you have to understand that I don't hold back and do a lot of things because that's the only space where I can be myself. Where i don't need to keep up a facade. When it all boils down to keeping up the facade at all times in all relationships and equations then it just doesn't seem worth it. If I have to pretend to even those people I'm close to then...
But I've realised that maybe it is important, important to play out a role.
But I've been playing these public roles for so long that now i forget what I'm actually like. I'm not the shy kid who spent all her time sitting in her room and reading. Who hardly hung out with other kids. But I changed, adapted and now there is this ME.. I don't actually like this person which I've become. And I have a feeling that unless I resolve this discord which has started becoming more and more of an issue, i will not be at peace with myself. And if I'm not at peace with myself then I don't have a hope in hell of succeeding at anything, personally or professionally.
As I'm writing this, I've come to the conclusion that I need a break, a break to figure out all these and more. A break to resolve all the pending issues. A break to figure out life ahead...
Clients - the devil incarnate??
Being in the service industry, the bane of one's life is the client.. Yes there exist those who are smart, nice and perfectly reasonable. But how many of them do you interact on a regular basis?
Not many I would assume!! Not only do they believe that they are god's gift to marketing and media, but they also believe that having a completely boorish attitude makes them be seen as the Gods that they want to be seen as.
The worse are those who were part of the service industry and have now made the transformation to being a client. Great that you are getting a salary which is unimaginable and a title, which is probably enviable, but does that give you the perfect reason to be extra difficult?
Suddenly all that they learnt about processes and theories goes out of the window, to be replaced with only one mantra "I am the Client, and my word is the Law"
Okay maybe I'm letting off steam, I would not mind getting to see more of the minority come to the fore
Not many I would assume!! Not only do they believe that they are god's gift to marketing and media, but they also believe that having a completely boorish attitude makes them be seen as the Gods that they want to be seen as.
The worse are those who were part of the service industry and have now made the transformation to being a client. Great that you are getting a salary which is unimaginable and a title, which is probably enviable, but does that give you the perfect reason to be extra difficult?
Suddenly all that they learnt about processes and theories goes out of the window, to be replaced with only one mantra "I am the Client, and my word is the Law"
Okay maybe I'm letting off steam, I would not mind getting to see more of the minority come to the fore
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
