An Indian

What makes a person an Indian?

According to Shirish, the combination of religion (read Hinduism), food, rituals, culture and History (read monuments), clothes, language determines this...

Does it really? A non Hindu from a state like Kerala or Goa, probably has monuments, food, language, artefact's and clothes which would be completely alien to a Hindu from Varanasi... who probably has more in common with a Nepali...

I'm searching for an answer to this because I have no such identifying labels attached to me. The label that do exist are put there by other people, so I'm an Indian to a somebody from outside of this subcontinent (they might also call me a Paki), I'm a madrasi for all north Indians (who know no difference between people from the various southern states). For people in Kerala, I'm an alien who doesn't belong...

According to Shirish, me and people who think like me should carve out a separate country if we don't identify with being Indians!!!

Is it so important to be identified by a label? The values one carries within oneself, remains irrespective of all these labels, So big deal. I'll be who I feel like being whenever I feel like...

Babies

With so many friends having babies, I can feel my biological clock ticking very loudly. Time for some soul searching on when, how and all such things related to babies.

But am I willing to let something change my life? Cannot deny that it will change it irrevocably.

An especially important question am currently grappling with is, how does a single mother with very minimal family support manage?

Loving babies, I know that I want to share my life with my child, but when do I think I'll be ready to do so?



When will work stop being an overpowering driver of my life? Will I be unfair to the child by not slowing down in my job? Will I be unfair to my career, when I've invested so much in getting where I am and knowing there's a lot more that I want to achieve?

These questions have no answers right now. But I'm hoping that life will provide answers as it goes on...

Till then I'll just enjoy the pleasure of all my favourite babies who have been born and will be born to my friends.

The End of an Era

Today on the drive to office I realised that today was the last time that Nitin and me were travelling to office together. He leaves tonight for the US and by the time he gets back in Dec, I'll have moved base to Mumbai.

In fact the trip to Mandi and back was probably the last long drive that we guys would do together.

Funnily enough we spent time in Mandi watching the video of our marriage... we laughed while watching it... we talked about how slim we were then n how good we looked ... was a reflection of the fact that we have moved to a stage where the end of the marriage has stopped hurting.. at least not very overtly.

The mind flashed back to me all those various trips to office or the longer ones to Mandi when we would discuss stuff about work to life... about where our relationship was heading... to how to make it work... to how to go about ending it amicably...

The drives were always the only time when we actually managed to have a really meaningful conversation... Sometimes I think if we had spent all our time in the car we might just have still had a marriage...

Today signifies to me the end of an era of dependence... I don't know to what extent it was a symbiotic one... I relied on him to solve all my life's problems, even after we separated... If things came crashing down on me I knew it was him I could turn to without blinking an eyelid... I know in the last few months I've tried to be more independent but old habits die hard...

I don't believe that our relationship will stop mattering just because we will no longer be in the radius of 6 kms from each other. But yes, no longer will it be the central factor... that which confused the hell out of everyone who was a witness to it's workings...

I hope we still retain all that was great between us... Thanks to him I have an additional set of parents (not counting him of course) who I love completely...

As time flies by all the negative things stop mattering and all great things are cherished.. That's how I want this to be... something I can look back to during my old age...

Relationships

I don't think I should be in relationships... I'm a serious disaster at it. Probably can write a thesis on how to go about screwing it up."

That's one single line I wrote when i'd started to write this blog a few months back.. It never got beyond that, because i could not put my feelings to paper.. The above line still holds true.. But then i'm more clearer about my feelings now. The only issue which remains is not being clear about the other person's feelings..

Yes I know he cares, cares a lot.. But sometimes I feel that maybe that's not enough.. But that's being unfair since I started the relationship with complete and total awareness of his feelings. He's always told me that falling in love is not going to happen to him.

But well a girl can dream :)

I know I want more but how much more I don't know.. Do i want marriage? Which everybody believes is the natural goal of a relationship. But I've done it once and now I don't know if I really want to go down that path. So then what does that mean? I'm happy with all the key aspects of the relationship so then why do I crib.. Is the conditioning of years so difficult to overcome? I know I want to see more of him and the inability to do do does cause issues. Which was not a major issue as long as I was in Delhi, but here outside of my comfort zone I feel the need to hold on to him like an anchor. The relationship, at times, seems like the only good thing going for me in this city. But then creating stress on it is not going to help my cause..

I shld learn to be patient, to enjoy the moment etc, etc,etc.. Oh how many times do I need to repeat this to myself? I keep doing it but somehow on this bit my brain tends to behave like its got one major leak in it and thus I forget to follow these rules at the key junctures when I need to do so..

If I keep this up I will definitely not have a relationship to worry about.. Aah well I can then write my thesis finally :)

Errors of being true

It's pretty galling when someone close to you lists all your faults. Even when they all are true. The tendency to block the stuff out and do nothing about trying to change any of these is a recurring aspect. Even when I do, it all turns out to be incomplete. I slip and fall into the same old behavioral patterns.

This time I'm going to seriously do something about the various things. Instead of trying to rectify all at the same time, I'm going to try and address them sequentially.

First and foremost amongst these is learning to be sensitive to other people's moods and not pushing on irrespective of their bad mood.

Next on the list is keeping a tight rein on my mouth. Don't say everything which is there on my mind. It's not like you have to...

The funny part is that I do all these and more only with people who really really matter. I'm very aware of the moods and sensitivities of other people that I'm surrounded by. I never say or do anything to hurt them. But these are not the people who matter. A lot of times I feel that you have to understand that I don't hold back and do a lot of things because that's the only space where I can be myself. Where i don't need to keep up a facade. When it all boils down to keeping up the facade at all times in all relationships and equations then it just doesn't seem worth it. If I have to pretend to even those people I'm close to then...

But I've realised that maybe it is important, important to play out a role.

But I've been playing these public roles for so long that now i forget what I'm actually like. I'm not the shy kid who spent all her time sitting in her room and reading. Who hardly hung out with other kids. But I changed, adapted and now there is this ME.. I don't actually like this person which I've become. And I have a feeling that unless I resolve this discord which has started becoming more and more of an issue, i will not be at peace with myself. And if I'm not at peace with myself then I don't have a hope in hell of succeeding at anything, personally or professionally.

As I'm writing this, I've come to the conclusion that I need a break, a break to figure out all these and more. A break to resolve all the pending issues. A break to figure out life ahead...

Clients - the devil incarnate??

Being in the service industry, the bane of one's life is the client.. Yes there exist those who are smart, nice and perfectly reasonable. But how many of them do you interact on a regular basis?

Not many I would assume!! Not only do they believe that they are god's gift to marketing and media, but they also believe that having a completely boorish attitude makes them be seen as the Gods that they want to be seen as.

The worse are those who were part of the service industry and have now made the transformation to being a client. Great that you are getting a salary which is unimaginable and a title, which is probably enviable, but does that give you the perfect reason to be extra difficult?

Suddenly all that they learnt about processes and theories goes out of the window, to be replaced with only one mantra "I am the Client, and my word is the Law"

Okay maybe I'm letting off steam, I would not mind getting to see more of the minority come to the fore