Errors of being true

It's pretty galling when someone close to you lists all your faults. Even when they all are true. The tendency to block the stuff out and do nothing about trying to change any of these is a recurring aspect. Even when I do, it all turns out to be incomplete. I slip and fall into the same old behavioral patterns.

This time I'm going to seriously do something about the various things. Instead of trying to rectify all at the same time, I'm going to try and address them sequentially.

First and foremost amongst these is learning to be sensitive to other people's moods and not pushing on irrespective of their bad mood.

Next on the list is keeping a tight rein on my mouth. Don't say everything which is there on my mind. It's not like you have to...

The funny part is that I do all these and more only with people who really really matter. I'm very aware of the moods and sensitivities of other people that I'm surrounded by. I never say or do anything to hurt them. But these are not the people who matter. A lot of times I feel that you have to understand that I don't hold back and do a lot of things because that's the only space where I can be myself. Where i don't need to keep up a facade. When it all boils down to keeping up the facade at all times in all relationships and equations then it just doesn't seem worth it. If I have to pretend to even those people I'm close to then...

But I've realised that maybe it is important, important to play out a role.

But I've been playing these public roles for so long that now i forget what I'm actually like. I'm not the shy kid who spent all her time sitting in her room and reading. Who hardly hung out with other kids. But I changed, adapted and now there is this ME.. I don't actually like this person which I've become. And I have a feeling that unless I resolve this discord which has started becoming more and more of an issue, i will not be at peace with myself. And if I'm not at peace with myself then I don't have a hope in hell of succeeding at anything, personally or professionally.

As I'm writing this, I've come to the conclusion that I need a break, a break to figure out all these and more. A break to resolve all the pending issues. A break to figure out life ahead...