Echoes of choices,
Some made, some not,
Echoing through the night,
Like ghostly voices lurking around.
The day past contains so many,
Some withhold, some succumb,
To
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride
The dawn breaks to create anew,
the very same choices,
Maybe not for him,
But for someone new.
Echoing through the walls,
where a multitude pass through,
bogged down by those choices,
Some choose to ignore,
but a choice is made,
Purge or be engulfed,
Betray or be true.
Cloaked in shades,
to each a different one,
Prompting choices at every stage.
They come and echo,
They don't let go,
Choices,
those you have to make.
They don't question,
Or guide or prod in any direction,
Right or wrong,
Choices,
those you have to make,
since only that is yours to make.
An Indian
What makes a person an Indian?
According to Shirish, the combination of religion (read Hinduism), food, rituals, culture and History (read monuments), clothes, language determines this...
Does it really? A non Hindu from a state like Kerala or Goa, probably has monuments, food, language, artefact's and clothes which would be completely alien to a Hindu from Varanasi... who probably has more in common with a Nepali...
I'm searching for an answer to this because I have no such identifying labels attached to me. The label that do exist are put there by other people, so I'm an Indian to a somebody from outside of this subcontinent (they might also call me a Paki), I'm a madrasi for all north Indians (who know no difference between people from the various southern states). For people in Kerala, I'm an alien who doesn't belong...
According to Shirish, me and people who think like me should carve out a separate country if we don't identify with being Indians!!!
Is it so important to be identified by a label? The values one carries within oneself, remains irrespective of all these labels, So big deal. I'll be who I feel like being whenever I feel like...
Babies
With so many friends having babies, I can feel my biological clock ticking very loudly. Time for some soul searching on when, how and all such things related to babies.
But am I willing to let something change my life? Cannot deny that it will change it irrevocably.
An especially important question am currently grappling with is, how does a single mother with very minimal family support manage?
Loving babies, I know that I want to share my life with my child, but when do I think I'll be ready to do so?
When will work stop being an overpowering driver of my life? Will I be unfair to the child by not slowing down in my job? Will I be unfair to my career, when I've invested so much in getting where I am and knowing there's a lot more that I want to achieve?
These questions have no answers right now. But I'm hoping that life will provide answers as it goes on...
Till then I'll just enjoy the pleasure of all my favourite babies who have been born and will be born to my friends.
The End of an Era
Today on the drive to office I realised that today was the last time that Nitin and me were travelling to office together. He leaves tonight for the US and by the time he gets back in Dec, I'll have moved base to Mumbai.
In fact the trip to Mandi and back was probably the last long drive that we guys would do together.
Funnily enough we spent time in Mandi watching the video of our marriage... we laughed while watching it... we talked about how slim we were then n how good we looked ... was a reflection of the fact that we have moved to a stage where the end of the marriage has stopped hurting.. at least not very overtly.
In fact the trip to Mandi and back was probably the last long drive that we guys would do together.
Funnily enough we spent time in Mandi watching the video of our marriage... we laughed while watching it... we talked about how slim we were then n how good we looked ... was a reflection of the fact that we have moved to a stage where the end of the marriage has stopped hurting.. at least not very overtly.
The mind flashed back to me all those various trips to office or the longer ones to Mandi when we would discuss stuff about work to life... about where our relationship was heading... to how to make it work... to how to go about ending it amicably...
The drives were always the only time when we actually managed to have a really meaningful conversation... Sometimes I think if we had spent all our time in the car we might just have still had a marriage...
Today signifies to me the end of an era of dependence... I don't know to what extent it was a symbiotic one... I relied on him to solve all my life's problems, even after we separated... If things came crashing down on me I knew it was him I could turn to without blinking an eyelid... I know in the last few months I've tried to be more independent but old habits die hard...
I don't believe that our relationship will stop mattering just because we will no longer be in the radius of 6 kms from each other. But yes, no longer will it be the central factor... that which confused the hell out of everyone who was a witness to it's workings...
I hope we still retain all that was great between us... Thanks to him I have an additional set of parents (not counting him of course) who I love completely...
As time flies by all the negative things stop mattering and all great things are cherished.. That's how I want this to be... something I can look back to during my old age...
The drives were always the only time when we actually managed to have a really meaningful conversation... Sometimes I think if we had spent all our time in the car we might just have still had a marriage...
Today signifies to me the end of an era of dependence... I don't know to what extent it was a symbiotic one... I relied on him to solve all my life's problems, even after we separated... If things came crashing down on me I knew it was him I could turn to without blinking an eyelid... I know in the last few months I've tried to be more independent but old habits die hard...
I don't believe that our relationship will stop mattering just because we will no longer be in the radius of 6 kms from each other. But yes, no longer will it be the central factor... that which confused the hell out of everyone who was a witness to it's workings...
I hope we still retain all that was great between us... Thanks to him I have an additional set of parents (not counting him of course) who I love completely...
As time flies by all the negative things stop mattering and all great things are cherished.. That's how I want this to be... something I can look back to during my old age...
Relationships
I don't think I should be in relationships... I'm a serious disaster at it. Probably can write a thesis on how to go about screwing it up."
That's one single line I wrote when i'd started to write this blog a few months back.. It never got beyond that, because i could not put my feelings to paper.. The above line still holds true.. But then i'm more clearer about my feelings now. The only issue which remains is not being clear about the other person's feelings..
Yes I know he cares, cares a lot.. But sometimes I feel that maybe that's not enough.. But that's being unfair since I started the relationship with complete and total awareness of his feelings. He's always told me that falling in love is not going to happen to him.
But well a girl can dream :)
I know I want more but how much more I don't know.. Do i want marriage? Which everybody believes is the natural goal of a relationship. But I've done it once and now I don't know if I really want to go down that path. So then what does that mean? I'm happy with all the key aspects of the relationship so then why do I crib.. Is the conditioning of years so difficult to overcome? I know I want to see more of him and the inability to do do does cause issues. Which was not a major issue as long as I was in Delhi, but here outside of my comfort zone I feel the need to hold on to him like an anchor. The relationship, at times, seems like the only good thing going for me in this city. But then creating stress on it is not going to help my cause..
I shld learn to be patient, to enjoy the moment etc, etc,etc.. Oh how many times do I need to repeat this to myself? I keep doing it but somehow on this bit my brain tends to behave like its got one major leak in it and thus I forget to follow these rules at the key junctures when I need to do so..
If I keep this up I will definitely not have a relationship to worry about.. Aah well I can then write my thesis finally :)
That's one single line I wrote when i'd started to write this blog a few months back.. It never got beyond that, because i could not put my feelings to paper.. The above line still holds true.. But then i'm more clearer about my feelings now. The only issue which remains is not being clear about the other person's feelings..
Yes I know he cares, cares a lot.. But sometimes I feel that maybe that's not enough.. But that's being unfair since I started the relationship with complete and total awareness of his feelings. He's always told me that falling in love is not going to happen to him.
But well a girl can dream :)
I know I want more but how much more I don't know.. Do i want marriage? Which everybody believes is the natural goal of a relationship. But I've done it once and now I don't know if I really want to go down that path. So then what does that mean? I'm happy with all the key aspects of the relationship so then why do I crib.. Is the conditioning of years so difficult to overcome? I know I want to see more of him and the inability to do do does cause issues. Which was not a major issue as long as I was in Delhi, but here outside of my comfort zone I feel the need to hold on to him like an anchor. The relationship, at times, seems like the only good thing going for me in this city. But then creating stress on it is not going to help my cause..
I shld learn to be patient, to enjoy the moment etc, etc,etc.. Oh how many times do I need to repeat this to myself? I keep doing it but somehow on this bit my brain tends to behave like its got one major leak in it and thus I forget to follow these rules at the key junctures when I need to do so..
If I keep this up I will definitely not have a relationship to worry about.. Aah well I can then write my thesis finally :)
Errors of being true
It's pretty galling when someone close to you lists all your faults. Even when they all are true. The tendency to block the stuff out and do nothing about trying to change any of these is a recurring aspect. Even when I do, it all turns out to be incomplete. I slip and fall into the same old behavioral patterns.
This time I'm going to seriously do something about the various things. Instead of trying to rectify all at the same time, I'm going to try and address them sequentially.
First and foremost amongst these is learning to be sensitive to other people's moods and not pushing on irrespective of their bad mood.
Next on the list is keeping a tight rein on my mouth. Don't say everything which is there on my mind. It's not like you have to...
The funny part is that I do all these and more only with people who really really matter. I'm very aware of the moods and sensitivities of other people that I'm surrounded by. I never say or do anything to hurt them. But these are not the people who matter. A lot of times I feel that you have to understand that I don't hold back and do a lot of things because that's the only space where I can be myself. Where i don't need to keep up a facade. When it all boils down to keeping up the facade at all times in all relationships and equations then it just doesn't seem worth it. If I have to pretend to even those people I'm close to then...
But I've realised that maybe it is important, important to play out a role.
But I've been playing these public roles for so long that now i forget what I'm actually like. I'm not the shy kid who spent all her time sitting in her room and reading. Who hardly hung out with other kids. But I changed, adapted and now there is this ME.. I don't actually like this person which I've become. And I have a feeling that unless I resolve this discord which has started becoming more and more of an issue, i will not be at peace with myself. And if I'm not at peace with myself then I don't have a hope in hell of succeeding at anything, personally or professionally.
As I'm writing this, I've come to the conclusion that I need a break, a break to figure out all these and more. A break to resolve all the pending issues. A break to figure out life ahead...
This time I'm going to seriously do something about the various things. Instead of trying to rectify all at the same time, I'm going to try and address them sequentially.
First and foremost amongst these is learning to be sensitive to other people's moods and not pushing on irrespective of their bad mood.
Next on the list is keeping a tight rein on my mouth. Don't say everything which is there on my mind. It's not like you have to...
The funny part is that I do all these and more only with people who really really matter. I'm very aware of the moods and sensitivities of other people that I'm surrounded by. I never say or do anything to hurt them. But these are not the people who matter. A lot of times I feel that you have to understand that I don't hold back and do a lot of things because that's the only space where I can be myself. Where i don't need to keep up a facade. When it all boils down to keeping up the facade at all times in all relationships and equations then it just doesn't seem worth it. If I have to pretend to even those people I'm close to then...
But I've realised that maybe it is important, important to play out a role.
But I've been playing these public roles for so long that now i forget what I'm actually like. I'm not the shy kid who spent all her time sitting in her room and reading. Who hardly hung out with other kids. But I changed, adapted and now there is this ME.. I don't actually like this person which I've become. And I have a feeling that unless I resolve this discord which has started becoming more and more of an issue, i will not be at peace with myself. And if I'm not at peace with myself then I don't have a hope in hell of succeeding at anything, personally or professionally.
As I'm writing this, I've come to the conclusion that I need a break, a break to figure out all these and more. A break to resolve all the pending issues. A break to figure out life ahead...
Clients - the devil incarnate??
Being in the service industry, the bane of one's life is the client.. Yes there exist those who are smart, nice and perfectly reasonable. But how many of them do you interact on a regular basis?
Not many I would assume!! Not only do they believe that they are god's gift to marketing and media, but they also believe that having a completely boorish attitude makes them be seen as the Gods that they want to be seen as.
The worse are those who were part of the service industry and have now made the transformation to being a client. Great that you are getting a salary which is unimaginable and a title, which is probably enviable, but does that give you the perfect reason to be extra difficult?
Suddenly all that they learnt about processes and theories goes out of the window, to be replaced with only one mantra "I am the Client, and my word is the Law"
Okay maybe I'm letting off steam, I would not mind getting to see more of the minority come to the fore
Not many I would assume!! Not only do they believe that they are god's gift to marketing and media, but they also believe that having a completely boorish attitude makes them be seen as the Gods that they want to be seen as.
The worse are those who were part of the service industry and have now made the transformation to being a client. Great that you are getting a salary which is unimaginable and a title, which is probably enviable, but does that give you the perfect reason to be extra difficult?
Suddenly all that they learnt about processes and theories goes out of the window, to be replaced with only one mantra "I am the Client, and my word is the Law"
Okay maybe I'm letting off steam, I would not mind getting to see more of the minority come to the fore
Smelly Cat.. Smelly Cat
It's amazing how integral smell becomes as a part of memories..
This became more clear when I realised that my daily route to office is classified not so much by the different buildings on the side but by the different smells which are distinct to those different parts.. Can't use the word aroma or fragrance to capture the exact essence!
The Tulsi Pipe stretch encompasses a multitude of smells, the stench arising from the slums on the side to the overpowering nose tickling smell of fresh green chilies mixed with coriander. Following this is the heady fragrance of fresh flowers soon to be replaced by the smell of even fresher fish being loaded into the trucks.
Smell is something that we get used to, and after a while we stop realising that it exists.. As it is stated, if you live next to the garbage dump, soon you will be oblivious to it, not because you are ok with it but because the sensitive nose gets acclimatized to it.
I remember my initial trips to Mumbai, when I would feel that I would gag due to the overpowering smell of humanity. Now I don't even realise it..
The smell of rain, which is currently in the air evokes a lot of memories and often makes a lot of us want to snuggle in with a good book and a steaming cup of coffee
This became more clear when I realised that my daily route to office is classified not so much by the different buildings on the side but by the different smells which are distinct to those different parts.. Can't use the word aroma or fragrance to capture the exact essence!
The Tulsi Pipe stretch encompasses a multitude of smells, the stench arising from the slums on the side to the overpowering nose tickling smell of fresh green chilies mixed with coriander. Following this is the heady fragrance of fresh flowers soon to be replaced by the smell of even fresher fish being loaded into the trucks.
Smell is something that we get used to, and after a while we stop realising that it exists.. As it is stated, if you live next to the garbage dump, soon you will be oblivious to it, not because you are ok with it but because the sensitive nose gets acclimatized to it.
I remember my initial trips to Mumbai, when I would feel that I would gag due to the overpowering smell of humanity. Now I don't even realise it..
The smell of rain, which is currently in the air evokes a lot of memories and often makes a lot of us want to snuggle in with a good book and a steaming cup of coffee
Where food is cheap, life is dear.. where food is dear, life is cheap!!
No where have I seen such a stark representation of this than in Mumbai. At any traffic signal, the complete nonchalance with which people cross the road is awesome. The pedestrian signal could be red, but who cares.. Cars could be zipping along at 60+ speeds, but who cares...
Could the fact that cost of living in Mumbai is amongst the highest across the globe be why Mumbaikars really don't care too much about their own lives.. It's not that the vehicle drivers are jumping signals, they are to some extent following the rules, but the people on the street don't care.
Someone pls explain this phenomena to me, if there is any other reason for this. Maybe the sea breeze impacts reasoning or blurs your vision. Or maybe everyone is colorblind, so when you see red you think it's green. Could be anything.. or it cld be that yes food is dear n therefore life has no value beyond it's daily strife to ensure food on the table.
Could the fact that cost of living in Mumbai is amongst the highest across the globe be why Mumbaikars really don't care too much about their own lives.. It's not that the vehicle drivers are jumping signals, they are to some extent following the rules, but the people on the street don't care.
Someone pls explain this phenomena to me, if there is any other reason for this. Maybe the sea breeze impacts reasoning or blurs your vision. Or maybe everyone is colorblind, so when you see red you think it's green. Could be anything.. or it cld be that yes food is dear n therefore life has no value beyond it's daily strife to ensure food on the table.
Homogeneity
A friend spoke at length about how he hates the way this city (infact most cities i guess) are all beginning to look the same. there is the intrinsic sameness amongst the people. How all the malls infact represent this exact sameness... He was extremely perturbed by this bland homogeneous culture which he cannot seem to accept and thus ends up feeling like an alien in the exact world that he belonged to since birth.
And this is coming from a guy who works in the "glamorous" space of entertainment, which I am sure is populated with a multitude of this homogenous mass. He travels using his own car, shops in malls, watches the latest movies in the multiplexes, dines at various restaurants (some hip some not so hip) around town.. so why is he feeling alien??
But firstly what is this big issue about homogeneity?? Just because people living in Andheri or Colaba or Gurgaon or Lajpat Nagar or TN Nagar all seem to be dressing in similar fashion, shopping and perusing entertainment with similar zeal (or lack of it), eating the same cuisine!!! But then what else do you expect. All these people are exposed to the same cues through media. End of the day we are what we are because of what we consume!!
Why crib about Andheri vs Colaba when on most music channels you see international artists prancing around with bindis on their foreheads.. sporting henna tatoos.. what about the curry culture which has overtaken every possible cusine in London or even the US? The bright gujarati colours and other Indian motifs are seen on international ramps if one were to have a closer look..
Isn't that an extension of the sameness!!
A research done by VH1 amongst the youth showed Hip-Hop as a major influencer.. and I'm not talking music.. the low waisted jeans sweeping the floor, the oversize shirts, the accessories.. the youth has adopted it all with zeal. And they flaunt it as the badge of their oneness with their global peers.
And from some few thousand miles away, comes music which is interspersed with bhangra beats, and here i'm not talking about our brethren from southhall..
So who decides that this amalgamation is bad? An extremist view on similar lines is what takes amongst our cultural police who shout from roof tops about our youngsters being corrupted by western influences..
I agree we all feel alienated with certain aspects of the society. Some more so than others. A joint family culture might be alien to me, living with an extremely conservative tamil iyengar family would be a difficult idea to digest. But why despair because things change?
What I do agree with and also find a little disconcerting is the random adoption of any culture without it having any kind of relevance to a person's upbringing their current stage in life or society..
And this is coming from a guy who works in the "glamorous" space of entertainment, which I am sure is populated with a multitude of this homogenous mass. He travels using his own car, shops in malls, watches the latest movies in the multiplexes, dines at various restaurants (some hip some not so hip) around town.. so why is he feeling alien??
But firstly what is this big issue about homogeneity?? Just because people living in Andheri or Colaba or Gurgaon or Lajpat Nagar or TN Nagar all seem to be dressing in similar fashion, shopping and perusing entertainment with similar zeal (or lack of it), eating the same cuisine!!! But then what else do you expect. All these people are exposed to the same cues through media. End of the day we are what we are because of what we consume!!
Why crib about Andheri vs Colaba when on most music channels you see international artists prancing around with bindis on their foreheads.. sporting henna tatoos.. what about the curry culture which has overtaken every possible cusine in London or even the US? The bright gujarati colours and other Indian motifs are seen on international ramps if one were to have a closer look..
Isn't that an extension of the sameness!!
A research done by VH1 amongst the youth showed Hip-Hop as a major influencer.. and I'm not talking music.. the low waisted jeans sweeping the floor, the oversize shirts, the accessories.. the youth has adopted it all with zeal. And they flaunt it as the badge of their oneness with their global peers.
And from some few thousand miles away, comes music which is interspersed with bhangra beats, and here i'm not talking about our brethren from southhall..
So who decides that this amalgamation is bad? An extremist view on similar lines is what takes amongst our cultural police who shout from roof tops about our youngsters being corrupted by western influences..
I agree we all feel alienated with certain aspects of the society. Some more so than others. A joint family culture might be alien to me, living with an extremely conservative tamil iyengar family would be a difficult idea to digest. But why despair because things change?
What I do agree with and also find a little disconcerting is the random adoption of any culture without it having any kind of relevance to a person's upbringing their current stage in life or society..
Mission G'gaon to Goregaon (almost)
Don't want this to sound like Mumbai bashing but after last few weekends in the city when I was trying to find a place to stay my new found liking for the city seemed to be going downhill with the passage of time.
My first impression of the city when I visited it for the first time in Dec 2003 was of a city populated by a million people who were all walking on the roads.. In delhi you do see people walking, but that would just to the nearest car park or bus stand or their morning jog. People would be clustered at various bus stands etc but not swarming through the city. Then there was the realisation that except for a few parts of the city, you would cross vast stretches without seeing too many tress.. all around was concrete. No chirping of birds.. And let me not start on the smell. A million people who needed to go to the AXE academy.
But over the last few years post a zillion trips, I realized that these were superficial things... Yes Delhi had it's Luyten's area and it's Shanti Niketans which had flowers abounding for a good part of the year, but as a friend pointed out Delhi is a beautiful city filled with $%^$&%& people.
Mumbai on the other hand is filled with great people who are professional, friendly, courteous and all those things which we dilli wallahs can never be associated with. But there are so many people.
And what is amazing is that people are willing to spend good money to stay in a space bigger than a cubby hole just for the fun of being able to party at the most happening places in Bandra. Wonder what would Mumbai be without Bandra?
Used to space to relax in away from the pressures of work it was difficult to understand why people in Mumbai would not want to do the same... Why would you not want balconies filled with plants where you can sit with a book and relax on a quiet evening..
But I guess different things drive different cities.
With some trepidation and lots of hopes I move to this city which generates extremely different reactions from different people. Having spent 80% of my life in Delhi (G'gaon is part of Delhi) it seems wierd to be moving out from here. I think more than the fact that i'm moving to mumbai, it's the fact that I'm leaving Delhi which is causing these panic attacks.
My first impression of the city when I visited it for the first time in Dec 2003 was of a city populated by a million people who were all walking on the roads.. In delhi you do see people walking, but that would just to the nearest car park or bus stand or their morning jog. People would be clustered at various bus stands etc but not swarming through the city. Then there was the realisation that except for a few parts of the city, you would cross vast stretches without seeing too many tress.. all around was concrete. No chirping of birds.. And let me not start on the smell. A million people who needed to go to the AXE academy.
But over the last few years post a zillion trips, I realized that these were superficial things... Yes Delhi had it's Luyten's area and it's Shanti Niketans which had flowers abounding for a good part of the year, but as a friend pointed out Delhi is a beautiful city filled with $%^$&%& people.
Mumbai on the other hand is filled with great people who are professional, friendly, courteous and all those things which we dilli wallahs can never be associated with. But there are so many people.
And what is amazing is that people are willing to spend good money to stay in a space bigger than a cubby hole just for the fun of being able to party at the most happening places in Bandra. Wonder what would Mumbai be without Bandra?
Used to space to relax in away from the pressures of work it was difficult to understand why people in Mumbai would not want to do the same... Why would you not want balconies filled with plants where you can sit with a book and relax on a quiet evening..
But I guess different things drive different cities.
With some trepidation and lots of hopes I move to this city which generates extremely different reactions from different people. Having spent 80% of my life in Delhi (G'gaon is part of Delhi) it seems wierd to be moving out from here. I think more than the fact that i'm moving to mumbai, it's the fact that I'm leaving Delhi which is causing these panic attacks.
Starting afresh
After eight long years, when you are left holding an empty shell of a relationship, things look pretty bleak.
Moving to one's own place, doing the singles scene again.... All of it pretty daunting. Not having stayed on my own ever except the two years in MICA. Staying in a hostel hardly counts since you don't have to think about paying utility bills....
Worse to handle is the dating scenario. Having been out of circulation for almost a decade, you are totally clueless on the rules of this game. In the secure cocoon of old friends, very difficult to meet anyone new.
But more than anything the biggest fear is of being alone. The fear of spending the rest of your life staring at the same walls on every friday night... All because you have had enuf of the party scene and all you want to do is relax at home. Added to this is the fact that all your really good friends have their own lives to lead especially if they are married....
Obviously when u reach this age most of your friends are married or in a serious commited relationship so you really can't be the odd one out at all times. The rest you end up hanging out with are the really young "lets party till 4" bunch. And there is only so much partying till 4 that your body can take
Some how some where during this whole process you learn to balance the slow easy evenings with friends with the mindnumbing alcoholic dancing parties which keep you on yopur toes till the wee hours. You learn that life has a lot to offer even if it means getting obsessive about keeping your house clean.
Renewing relationships that you had let fall on the waysidew for so many years... discovering the exhilaration of solitude after 17 hr workdays... Watching your balcony turn into a mini forest... Enjoying the rain while sitting in that mini forest... Cooking up a storm on sundays and feeding the team chocolate mousse on monday...
Well staring afresh can be exciting and it really shakes you out of the sameness of life which comforted you for years....
Moving to one's own place, doing the singles scene again.... All of it pretty daunting. Not having stayed on my own ever except the two years in MICA. Staying in a hostel hardly counts since you don't have to think about paying utility bills....
Worse to handle is the dating scenario. Having been out of circulation for almost a decade, you are totally clueless on the rules of this game. In the secure cocoon of old friends, very difficult to meet anyone new.
But more than anything the biggest fear is of being alone. The fear of spending the rest of your life staring at the same walls on every friday night... All because you have had enuf of the party scene and all you want to do is relax at home. Added to this is the fact that all your really good friends have their own lives to lead especially if they are married....
Obviously when u reach this age most of your friends are married or in a serious commited relationship so you really can't be the odd one out at all times. The rest you end up hanging out with are the really young "lets party till 4" bunch. And there is only so much partying till 4 that your body can take
Some how some where during this whole process you learn to balance the slow easy evenings with friends with the mindnumbing alcoholic dancing parties which keep you on yopur toes till the wee hours. You learn that life has a lot to offer even if it means getting obsessive about keeping your house clean.
Renewing relationships that you had let fall on the waysidew for so many years... discovering the exhilaration of solitude after 17 hr workdays... Watching your balcony turn into a mini forest... Enjoying the rain while sitting in that mini forest... Cooking up a storm on sundays and feeding the team chocolate mousse on monday...
Well staring afresh can be exciting and it really shakes you out of the sameness of life which comforted you for years....
Conferences
Workshops, Conferences, seminars.. the bane of ones life.
One starts off looking forward to it since they normally happen at locales which are pretty and offer exciting options of food, entertainment and scenic pleasure..
But then you land after pushing guilt, of not being able to finish critical work out of your mind and you are given the AGENDA...
Post reviewing it you realise well the fact is that there will be time to explore and do all the wonderful things the place has to offer if you have night vision goggles and local businesses are offering night time safaris. Otherwise the best option is to forgo the very critical post alcohol (till 3 p.m.) early morning sleep and much needed nourishment of breakfast and squeeze in as much as you can.
You might want to skip lunch as well, but I think in most cases lunch could well be a working session too.
The good part, only if it's not a workshop, is that quite possibly you would not have to work through the night. Thus you can party and drink every night till the wee hours and hope that you have perfected the art of sleeping with your eyes open. You definetely save on money which you would have spent if you were back at office (office compensates you only for food while working late)
Post all this, when you are landing at home base you realise that very cunningly the conference dates included a weekend also, so you did not miss too many working days and were back at work on Monday
All around you everyone winks and says "WOW, great trip? You must be all totally relaxed and ready to get back to the grind after this really long break?"
"Yeah right! As ready as I will be for the Tour De France"
One starts off looking forward to it since they normally happen at locales which are pretty and offer exciting options of food, entertainment and scenic pleasure..
But then you land after pushing guilt, of not being able to finish critical work out of your mind and you are given the AGENDA...
Post reviewing it you realise well the fact is that there will be time to explore and do all the wonderful things the place has to offer if you have night vision goggles and local businesses are offering night time safaris. Otherwise the best option is to forgo the very critical post alcohol (till 3 p.m.) early morning sleep and much needed nourishment of breakfast and squeeze in as much as you can.
You might want to skip lunch as well, but I think in most cases lunch could well be a working session too.
The good part, only if it's not a workshop, is that quite possibly you would not have to work through the night. Thus you can party and drink every night till the wee hours and hope that you have perfected the art of sleeping with your eyes open. You definetely save on money which you would have spent if you were back at office (office compensates you only for food while working late)
Post all this, when you are landing at home base you realise that very cunningly the conference dates included a weekend also, so you did not miss too many working days and were back at work on Monday
All around you everyone winks and says "WOW, great trip? You must be all totally relaxed and ready to get back to the grind after this really long break?"
"Yeah right! As ready as I will be for the Tour De France"
Our cops Our Saviours
Yesterday night while going to Bandra, the driver of the car we were traveling in was definitely looking desperately to have an accident. Despite our misgivings we let him be, only to have him bang into a car at one of the busiest junctions. Well if our collective luck had been good the people in that car would have been nice non confrontationist middle class bunch. But well it wasn't to be. The owner/driver of that car was yelling abuses and something to the effect that we won't get away after banging an ACP's car. The driver sped up and banged into our car, and proceeded to block our car. Then we see these three well built men step out from the car and proceed to abuse without any compunction that they were in the presence of a woman. Once they figured that they would not be able to harass us as it was a rented car, they drove off.
And these guys claimed to be cops. They looked the part. Either they were cops or they had to be some goondas.
They had obviously been putting away a few... But that doesn't absolve them of their behaviour..
If someone does by mistake bang your car, there's normally no need to get abusive and start trying to crash into their car without even giving them a chance to explain. Only if the other driver is completely unrepentant do you end up losing your cool.
These guys were Cops. They are supposed to be our guardians!!! We should feel safe dealing with them. I felt so unsafe. I knew if anyone of us had tried to reason with them then this would have just aggravated the situation. They were a breath away from bashing up the driver.
Obviously power tends to distort people's way of handling reality. If you are out of uniform then you are also just a normal citizen. I wish I had taken down their number plate, because these people need to be brought in touch with reality.
This was not the first time that I have come close to losing my cool with a cop. And each incident erodes even further the almost non existent trust in our guardians.
Despite knowing that it was good sense to have avoided getting into a conversation with those cops, I'm angry with myself for letting them get away after their despicable behaviour. Obviously we were more eager to get away from the unpleasant situation than doing a citizen's duty.
And these guys claimed to be cops. They looked the part. Either they were cops or they had to be some goondas.
They had obviously been putting away a few... But that doesn't absolve them of their behaviour..
If someone does by mistake bang your car, there's normally no need to get abusive and start trying to crash into their car without even giving them a chance to explain. Only if the other driver is completely unrepentant do you end up losing your cool.
These guys were Cops. They are supposed to be our guardians!!! We should feel safe dealing with them. I felt so unsafe. I knew if anyone of us had tried to reason with them then this would have just aggravated the situation. They were a breath away from bashing up the driver.
Obviously power tends to distort people's way of handling reality. If you are out of uniform then you are also just a normal citizen. I wish I had taken down their number plate, because these people need to be brought in touch with reality.
This was not the first time that I have come close to losing my cool with a cop. And each incident erodes even further the almost non existent trust in our guardians.
Despite knowing that it was good sense to have avoided getting into a conversation with those cops, I'm angry with myself for letting them get away after their despicable behaviour. Obviously we were more eager to get away from the unpleasant situation than doing a citizen's duty.
Yeh Mumbai Shahar hadson ka shahar hai
Yahann roz roz har modh modh pe hota hai koi na koi hadsaa......
Well that seemed like how my first 6 weeks seem to have gone by...
If I got two things fixed another three were just waiting to fall apart..
If it wasn't getting things fixed then it was getting myself fixed.. coughing like i was carrying all the infection in the world in my chest..
Well now things are on a smoother plane.. Or atleast on the superficial level they appear to be.. Can't keep worrying when all of this will unraveling again. As of now it's good..
What can I say about the shahar??? I will not compare it to Delhi, definitely not.. Delhi is home.. so not fair if I compare Mumbai to it.. It's like comparing a Motel to your home..
Motel??? Oh well this city does sometimes remind me of those seedy motels on the highway that one reads about.. Well I'm not going to crib either..
I didn't think it would be so hard adjusting, didn't think that i would get into my shell and refuse to get out of it.. But then that's what i feel like doing most of the time.. I know people have noticed and I know I should do something to shake myself out of it, but somehow this melancholic feeling refuses to let go of me..
There are times when I can feel loneliness overpowering all my other thoughts. When it's Sunday afternoon and I haven't seen a single soul apart from my maid for more than 40 hrs.. When apart from brief telephonic conversations I've not had any other conversation.. Those are moments when I start to question my decision..
I can't believe that I'm missing my totally stressed out existence of Delhi..
And then one comes to the relationships.. friendships I question... since I haven't seen too many of them since I've come here.. I still speak to my Delhi friends at every single moment.. Maybe they define me more than anything so i need to keep that connect alive.
And then there is that one single relationship which is supposed to motivate and keep you going.. well even that just seems to add to the whole equation in sending me zooming off into this totally bizarre existence...
Well this last one actually requires a blog of its own I guess..
I think I could fall in love with Mumbai too.. The moment it hit me was when I travelling through Marine drive.. The beauty of the town part of Mumbai just blew me away.. totally awestruck with the old graceful buildings, the old world charm mingling with the glass fronted abodes of the nouveau riche.. it all came together without being jarring. It reminded me a little of Luyten's Delhi (only a little).. Somehow it reminded me of home.. If I was a poet, could wax lyrical about this Mumbai..
Now I know why the townies consider themselves way above the mere mortals who throng to the suburbs at the end of a gruelling workday..
Well that seemed like how my first 6 weeks seem to have gone by...
If I got two things fixed another three were just waiting to fall apart..
If it wasn't getting things fixed then it was getting myself fixed.. coughing like i was carrying all the infection in the world in my chest..
Well now things are on a smoother plane.. Or atleast on the superficial level they appear to be.. Can't keep worrying when all of this will unraveling again. As of now it's good..
What can I say about the shahar??? I will not compare it to Delhi, definitely not.. Delhi is home.. so not fair if I compare Mumbai to it.. It's like comparing a Motel to your home..
Motel??? Oh well this city does sometimes remind me of those seedy motels on the highway that one reads about.. Well I'm not going to crib either..
I didn't think it would be so hard adjusting, didn't think that i would get into my shell and refuse to get out of it.. But then that's what i feel like doing most of the time.. I know people have noticed and I know I should do something to shake myself out of it, but somehow this melancholic feeling refuses to let go of me..
There are times when I can feel loneliness overpowering all my other thoughts. When it's Sunday afternoon and I haven't seen a single soul apart from my maid for more than 40 hrs.. When apart from brief telephonic conversations I've not had any other conversation.. Those are moments when I start to question my decision..
I can't believe that I'm missing my totally stressed out existence of Delhi..
And then one comes to the relationships.. friendships I question... since I haven't seen too many of them since I've come here.. I still speak to my Delhi friends at every single moment.. Maybe they define me more than anything so i need to keep that connect alive.
And then there is that one single relationship which is supposed to motivate and keep you going.. well even that just seems to add to the whole equation in sending me zooming off into this totally bizarre existence...
Well this last one actually requires a blog of its own I guess..
I think I could fall in love with Mumbai too.. The moment it hit me was when I travelling through Marine drive.. The beauty of the town part of Mumbai just blew me away.. totally awestruck with the old graceful buildings, the old world charm mingling with the glass fronted abodes of the nouveau riche.. it all came together without being jarring. It reminded me a little of Luyten's Delhi (only a little).. Somehow it reminded me of home.. If I was a poet, could wax lyrical about this Mumbai..
Now I know why the townies consider themselves way above the mere mortals who throng to the suburbs at the end of a gruelling workday..
As we move on..
You go through life's various phases.. Kindergarten, School, College, Post Grad... You change cities, jobs.. get married.. at each of these stages you make friends.. some still exist in your life.. some remain as a number or email id in your contact list.. a lot fall by the side as you strive on moving from one milestone to another..
Why do those friends with whom you shared the trials and tribulations of life suddenly become just a number or an id? What prompts this phenomenon? It's not like you've had a fight or parted on bitter terms..
It's seems weird given that it's so easy to stay in constant touch these days.. cell phones, chat, email.. you can't disappear so easily. But then people do.
Why do those friends with whom you shared the trials and tribulations of life suddenly become just a number or an id? What prompts this phenomenon? It's not like you've had a fight or parted on bitter terms..
It's seems weird given that it's so easy to stay in constant touch these days.. cell phones, chat, email.. you can't disappear so easily. But then people do.
Is it to do with the fact that as you move into the next phase of life, the things that bound you together no longer exist? e.g you don't work in the same office so the office gossip and the bitching sessions are no longer relevant to the person who's left.. You move on to different paths, some get married and have had babies while you were busy climbing the corporate ladder..
Priorities change.. you don't find common ground to talk about.. and life goes on.. So as weeks, months and then years go by you look back and wonder where did that person disappear..
You've both grown but not grown together.. this happens not just between friends but also in marriages. I guess partners who ensure that they grow together, share not just love but goals, dreams and paths build a relationship which can stand the test of time and stress.
Priorities change.. you don't find common ground to talk about.. and life goes on.. So as weeks, months and then years go by you look back and wonder where did that person disappear..
You've both grown but not grown together.. this happens not just between friends but also in marriages. I guess partners who ensure that they grow together, share not just love but goals, dreams and paths build a relationship which can stand the test of time and stress.
Another weird thing is that no matter how many new people you meet and socialize with during every new phase, you realize very few are really what you would count as good friends..
You cross into your thirties and count the friends that you have. There is this handful or sometimes an even lesser number.. some of these might be scattered across the globe.. But when you need someone to share the most amazing news about yourself or just a pick me up, they are the ones you call or sms or email. And they respond.. And they have been with you for sometime now.. And then at the end of it all, you just hope that you always remain important to them, because you can't afford to lose any more friends.
V.I.P. visits and movements
If you have lived in Delhi and especially if you have worked in or near Connaught Place, life would have at one point of time revolved around V.I.P. movement. Remember being held up for over half an hour, a mere 5 minutes away from office because a minister is going to pass through that route. So for a few kilometers on either side, traffic has been stopped and made to wait till the honorable M'ster passes through.
If unfortunately the personage happened to be more than just a mere M'ster and more like a visiting foreign dignitary, and if GOD forbid if it was the US President then it would have been advisable to stay put at home.
I remember when I was still young, On Sundays, Rajiv Gandhi would go to his farmhouse and the route for that included the street in front of my place. There was no movement allowed, not even pedestrian traffic for atleast an hour. So you learnt to structure your travel plans accordingly. So for most dilliwallas it was a part of life...
But when I moved to Mumbai, I was told that no such thing happened here. And i thought, well that's good.. Because on top of the regular chaotic jams and delays due to increasing traffic, didn't think most people would be able to handle these additional delays as well..
Well post that I witnessed the restriction on movement which was put in place for Sonia Gandhi's recent visit to this city. Since she was making an address at BKC, she had to use the road right in front of my apartments. And deciding that Saturdays need to be fruitfully utilised, I had stepped out to go to the bank. And then I waited, a part of the crowd for madam to arrive..
I have to admit that for once I did not think about how this was screwing up my busy schedule and just stood and watched.
It was pretty impressive, lines of cars.. all looking the same, all white.. One thing which struck me was that our national car the Amby has definitely been thrown out of it's esteemed position. Even Maruti has lost it's monopoly over government vehicles. There were a few Esteems and obviously some Gypsys.. But the others were mostly Honda Civics and a few other FOREN cars.. Well if the first lady of the country is an Italian, then why should our official vehicles not be from foreign shores.
But apart from referring to Sonia Gandhi as our First lady, it still rankled that despite the fact she did not hold any official post in our system, was not our Prime Minister or our President, but then why were a multitude of Indians being inconvenienced due to her?
If unfortunately the personage happened to be more than just a mere M'ster and more like a visiting foreign dignitary, and if GOD forbid if it was the US President then it would have been advisable to stay put at home.
I remember when I was still young, On Sundays, Rajiv Gandhi would go to his farmhouse and the route for that included the street in front of my place. There was no movement allowed, not even pedestrian traffic for atleast an hour. So you learnt to structure your travel plans accordingly. So for most dilliwallas it was a part of life...
But when I moved to Mumbai, I was told that no such thing happened here. And i thought, well that's good.. Because on top of the regular chaotic jams and delays due to increasing traffic, didn't think most people would be able to handle these additional delays as well..
Well post that I witnessed the restriction on movement which was put in place for Sonia Gandhi's recent visit to this city. Since she was making an address at BKC, she had to use the road right in front of my apartments. And deciding that Saturdays need to be fruitfully utilised, I had stepped out to go to the bank. And then I waited, a part of the crowd for madam to arrive..
I have to admit that for once I did not think about how this was screwing up my busy schedule and just stood and watched.
It was pretty impressive, lines of cars.. all looking the same, all white.. One thing which struck me was that our national car the Amby has definitely been thrown out of it's esteemed position. Even Maruti has lost it's monopoly over government vehicles. There were a few Esteems and obviously some Gypsys.. But the others were mostly Honda Civics and a few other FOREN cars.. Well if the first lady of the country is an Italian, then why should our official vehicles not be from foreign shores.
But apart from referring to Sonia Gandhi as our First lady, it still rankled that despite the fact she did not hold any official post in our system, was not our Prime Minister or our President, but then why were a multitude of Indians being inconvenienced due to her?
Signages on roads
Why are most of the road signs advising drivers on safety issues across the highway in English? Firstly Hindi is our national language, secondly bulk of the traffic on these roads comprises of truckers who would have limited knowledge of the langauge.. Someone pls explain..
The road signs on the national Expressway 1 between Vadodra and Ahmedabad had some very interesting ones. After trying to instill the rules for safety in the drivers they put up signages which say " Expressway - One Big Joyride".
The road signs on the national Expressway 1 between Vadodra and Ahmedabad had some very interesting ones. After trying to instill the rules for safety in the drivers they put up signages which say " Expressway - One Big Joyride".
Walking down memory lane - MICA Alumni
1997... 55 youngsters land in an obscure village called Shela to have an adventure.. A place which till now they had never heard of, forget being able to place it on the map. Driving through the village roads, to an isolated campus which would hopefully turn them all into communication professionals..
2007... 5 of us from that original bunch decided to venture down that path again to re-establish our fading memories of the campus and it's magic.
Getting lost trying to find the exit to the campus, not because we had forgotten the route but because it had transformed into a totally alien place. New roads where none existed earlier.
Finally the campus and thakurjee came into view.. Thank God!!! Because soon we realised that it wasn't just the surrounding areas which had changed. Students at the reception had none of the effervescence with which the previous alumni had been greeted. Coldly greeted with commands that we fill in the alumni registration form and cough up the dough.
KGK proved to be the only humane face on the campus on the first day as he insisted on showing us the incessant concretisation of the campus. Refusing his caring offer of staying at the international hostel we opted to "slum" it out at Amaltas.
Definetely vocal about our opinion on the way things had changed, soon we were going to be labelled as persona non grata on our campus. The Diro definitely decided to spell it out to who ever cared to attend his opening ceremony that the alumni was not a time for socialising but rather a "time for introspection" and the people who had issues with the changes better hold themselves in check.
Well we were upset, so we were vocal.. How could the whole campus be non smokin? How could the director be doing spot checks under the guise of evening walks to catch the offenders? How could the management be focused on creating a bunch of employees who are only interested in their paychecks? The sameness of all the students on campus put us in a tizzy!! It didn't seem different from a Delhi college campus, a fashion statement in the making. Maybe The Diro has banned improper attire on campus!! Well i guess being jealous of their huge paychecks was the last thing on our minds.. :)
We could accept the modernisation, we didn't actually enjoy all the aspects of the semi rural existence that we endured during our two years. But the basic makeup of the students could not have undergone such a fundamental change!!
Two and a half days of constant discussion on how MICA has changed, started to grate on our nerves. But every time we put it aside to dwell on other interesting things and just enjoy ourselves, we were jerked back into it.
The icing on the cake was the alumni dinner. After having being told that booze would be served for the dinner (a first by MICA standards!! we were already carrying ours), we were also informed that due to this the dinner was offsite at Pleasure Club.. the shadiest of places in the vicinity!! Since the only option for dinner was to trudge till that place we braved it, only to run away in less than 30 minutes.
Imagine a bunch of school children, okay pre-schoolers at the neighbouring playground. And now just replace all those kids on the swings and carousels with twenty year olds!! Well that was the exact scene which awaited us. Braving our way through this we decided to check out the "Bar". Trying to repeat the exact sentiments " Is this a MICA party, or had we stumbled into a party thrown by a tutorial?!!!"
Sped away, as fast as we could to the still familiar campus.
The dance party back on campus was not half bad.. i have to give them that..
Should the alumni be an annual event? Given the fact that most of the senior batch was off and away at Diu or back home for the long wknd, didn't seem that they were too keen on meeting any of their seniors.
I could keep on writing but then it would too much of a crib. This was my second alumni.. and my last..
2007... 5 of us from that original bunch decided to venture down that path again to re-establish our fading memories of the campus and it's magic.
Getting lost trying to find the exit to the campus, not because we had forgotten the route but because it had transformed into a totally alien place. New roads where none existed earlier.
Finally the campus and thakurjee came into view.. Thank God!!! Because soon we realised that it wasn't just the surrounding areas which had changed. Students at the reception had none of the effervescence with which the previous alumni had been greeted. Coldly greeted with commands that we fill in the alumni registration form and cough up the dough.
KGK proved to be the only humane face on the campus on the first day as he insisted on showing us the incessant concretisation of the campus. Refusing his caring offer of staying at the international hostel we opted to "slum" it out at Amaltas.
Definetely vocal about our opinion on the way things had changed, soon we were going to be labelled as persona non grata on our campus. The Diro definitely decided to spell it out to who ever cared to attend his opening ceremony that the alumni was not a time for socialising but rather a "time for introspection" and the people who had issues with the changes better hold themselves in check.
Well we were upset, so we were vocal.. How could the whole campus be non smokin? How could the director be doing spot checks under the guise of evening walks to catch the offenders? How could the management be focused on creating a bunch of employees who are only interested in their paychecks? The sameness of all the students on campus put us in a tizzy!! It didn't seem different from a Delhi college campus, a fashion statement in the making. Maybe The Diro has banned improper attire on campus!! Well i guess being jealous of their huge paychecks was the last thing on our minds.. :)
We could accept the modernisation, we didn't actually enjoy all the aspects of the semi rural existence that we endured during our two years. But the basic makeup of the students could not have undergone such a fundamental change!!
Two and a half days of constant discussion on how MICA has changed, started to grate on our nerves. But every time we put it aside to dwell on other interesting things and just enjoy ourselves, we were jerked back into it.
The icing on the cake was the alumni dinner. After having being told that booze would be served for the dinner (a first by MICA standards!! we were already carrying ours), we were also informed that due to this the dinner was offsite at Pleasure Club.. the shadiest of places in the vicinity!! Since the only option for dinner was to trudge till that place we braved it, only to run away in less than 30 minutes.
Imagine a bunch of school children, okay pre-schoolers at the neighbouring playground. And now just replace all those kids on the swings and carousels with twenty year olds!! Well that was the exact scene which awaited us. Braving our way through this we decided to check out the "Bar". Trying to repeat the exact sentiments " Is this a MICA party, or had we stumbled into a party thrown by a tutorial?!!!"
Sped away, as fast as we could to the still familiar campus.
The dance party back on campus was not half bad.. i have to give them that..
Should the alumni be an annual event? Given the fact that most of the senior batch was off and away at Diu or back home for the long wknd, didn't seem that they were too keen on meeting any of their seniors.
I could keep on writing but then it would too much of a crib. This was my second alumni.. and my last..
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